“I can’t have my wife sign anything. She mustn’t know I’m here.”
“My mother would disown me if she knew I was talking to you.”
“My father is very angry; I’m afraid to tell him I met with you.”

In my law practice, I often see families unwilling to confront their loved one about getting help because they fear it will destroy their relationship.  In my family, the situation was no different.  Like many adult children watching a parent decline, it’s difficult to know when and how hard to push. In the case of my mother, for example, it took more than five years to get her to a doctor. And even then, it wasn’t easy.  

 “Let it go, Kathleen. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Round and round we went, my mother and me arguing in the kitchen. Exasperated finally, I issued an ultimatum: “Mom, you have a choice. Either you can go voluntarily to see the doctor or I will get a court order forcing you to go. You choose.”

“You can’t do that to me, Kathleen.”

“Of course I can. What do you think I do every day of the week in my job? I don’t want to force you, Mom—I would rather you make the choice to voluntarily see the doctor.”

My mother’s eyes narrowed as she leaned in, close to my face, angry. “You wouldn’t do that to me.”

The moment had come. I stood firm, holding her gaze. “Yes, I would. This has gone on long enough. You need to see a doctor and get some help, Mom.”

What moment had come? The end of my rope. The point in time where it no longer mattered to me what my mother thought of me or how she reacted to my taking control.  How can you tell when the “moment” has come for you to take action?
 
(1)    When you first see a change in your loved one’s cognition or behavior. Early medical intervention is crucial with Alzheimer’s disease – certain drug therapies can slow it down, but only if started in the early stage. Don’t wait five years—like my family did—to seek medical assistance!
 
(2)    When your loved one no longer has the ability to make decisions for herself. My mother simply did not have the ability to find a doctor, call and make an appointment, drive herself to the appointment, meet with the doctor, or understand what the doctor said. She needed our help to make all of this happen.

(3)     When safety becomes an issue.  When all else fails, this is often the point of no return. When your loved one starts to wander, falls in the bathroom, leaves the stove burner on high … it’s time to intervene.
 
Your loved one’s objections will come and go, a blessing of this disease.  As I look back upon my experience with my mother, I wish I had been brave enough to face her sooner – it might have made a difference in her journey through Alzheimer’s.  This is a regret I can’t correct now. But you can! Be brave!